Tuesday, June 21, 2005

.....Good morning bloggers.... this is assuming someone is gonna read this to begin with....

......anyways its kinda nice to have like an electronic journal.. always thought it was too tiring to write one by hand when i was a kid... anyways...

.....am so damn hungover!!! stayed at natasha's house last night.. she being my childhood buddy... known her since i was 4.. we went for a nice female bonding dinner last night as well as a session on love or lack of love advice!!! anyways she pretty much had the same things to say abt amit as i do.... just dump him... but the fact is i did and yet its more like he's dumping me!!! No am not on drugs and no i'm not schizophrenic either!!!! just miserable!!! ... so where was i ?!.. ya... had a nice dinner after which i crashed over at her place.. we stayed up pretty late discussing interesting sex discoveries where men are concerned... oh! we're both straight by the way.. atleast so far we are.... though with the way things are going with the men, we might decide quite quickly its more profitable to be gay!!!.....

...now am at work and there is little to do.... have to wait for a dumb client to tell me something before i can do anything.. and i just finished reading the book i was reading so am bored to death!! Already have visited 'bored.com' and 'i-am-bored.com' two zillion times!!! u should check those sites out though.. they're damn cool!! if there are any gamers out there reading this then these websites are pretty cool.... am off to waste some time at work and look busy now.. later

Well my first post.....

......hmmm... kinds interesting i think the timing of me starting a blog.... going through kinda a rough patch in life it seems.... just broke up with amit, year old boyfriend... all the while i thought i was ending it for the millionth time and this time purely coz he had no time and now he tells me he isn't sure of us anyways.... was killing myself over the guilt of breaking up with him and was unable to stop wondering if 'no time' was a good enuf reason... now i guess it doesn't matter much...

.......he is going through a bit of a depression himself he says.... can't seem to enjoy anything.. wants to be alone all the time... felt kinda bad for pushing him so much abt spending no time with me.... after all who can help what one feels like doing!?!? wanted to just comfort him and be there even if he was hardly there.... then he said, " skim, i just want a friend right now".... skim.. thats me by the way... so i assured him i'd be whatever he needed me to be while he was having such a bad time... friend, mother, girlfriend..... he smiled and seemed better..... the day ended kinda peacefully i guess... i was still crying.. after all it isn't easy to suddenly go from 'evrything' to 'next to nothing'..... then we met again the next evening... he was leving town on work for a few days u see..... and it seemed suddenly that everytime my face was close enough to kiss he wanted a hug?!?.... kinda got me wondering so i asked.... he said he didn't want to give me false hopes, didn't want to lead me on.... KINDA LATE FOR THAT i was thinking.... its been a year.. where exactly do u think i would be mislead to?? ummm been your girlfriend for a year.... been with your family as part of them... been there thorugh everything for this long... now u think it will giving me false hopes!!... anyways that pretty muc removed all hopes i might have had in the first place... and hopes i sure did have... do have... probably always will have....can't seem to help it... am in love... and it aint your usual, oh! he is so perfect kinda love either... i totally hate him at times and wonder why i ever fell in love to begin with but its there allright, the love, the passion.. the wanting to be there no matter what he does.... what does one do when faced with such matter sof the (damn!!) heart!!!! .....

.......told him i couldn't talk to him again today.... just couldn't bear to be sitting next to him and pretend i was just some buddy of his!!! i guess its been too long since we've been discussing a life together.... just can't stop thinking that about him.... so anyways said i'd stay away... i even confessed that i'd probably get drunk and then call him in a moment of weakness... but i guess i made it as clear as i could that i wouldn't be able to be his friend!!! hope i can live up to it... kinda already hard to.. and its been only half an hour... already i feel like picking up the phone and yelling ..."its ok, i'm a stupid prick who likes to be used so plz! call me whenever u want... use me and then drop me if u want, atleast i'll have some more time with you! so what if u're confused.. no sin in that.. so what if u have made me so miserable i can't eat or sleep... all's fair in love and war right?!"....

.... tried to take an off from work today.. just didn't think i could face anyone with my swollen eyes and stuff.... but then i was so stressed abt the work that i had to get my ass up and come to work anyways... am in the advertising profession by the way incase u're wondering... client servicing specifically... so here i am at work now, writing my blog... trying to not think abt the phone that is silently lying on my desk since he hasn't replied to my message about never speaking to him again... maybe he has heard it too many times from me since i say such things when i get mad.. only seem to get that mad at him.... anyways better get back to work now....

waiting for the phone to ring...
skim